Wait and See

Sentencing is Wednesday of next week, and it feels as though I’ve reached the end of the road. Nothing more to see or do or experience.

Last week, my boyfriend took time off work so we could spend the day together. Unfortunately, we spent most of our time moping around the apartment wondering what to do. Not much sounded good, and those ideas which were half-decent required money. So inevitably, we ended up walking around the mall.

Shopping is depressing when you only have a little over a month of freedom left. There’s no point in buying new clothes or shoes—who’s going to see them? No point in buying things for the apartment—who’s going to use them? No point in cleaning or grocery shopping or working out or anything, really. My daily activities have been reduced to padding around the apartment in pajama bottoms and oversized t-shirts, watching Seinfeld reruns, and playing with the cat.

I write, too, of course. It seems like the only meaningful thing I can do. I know that my writing will do nothing to help me out of this hole that I’m in, but there is truth to that saying, “knowledge is power.” Knowledge also cures fear, and the more I write and research, the more I’m able to make sense of what’s going on.

My probation officer came over yesterday. The federal building is about a block away from where I live, so he drops by twice a month to see how I’m doing. We talked about sentencing, and he said there’s a good chance the judge will grant me the standard 30 days to self-surrender rather than have me immediately taken into custody. This is a common practice in federal court, but it’s at the judge’s discretion.

Another thing my probation officer and I talked about was what prison I may be assigned to. The Federal Bureau of Prisons is responsible for assigning inmates to a particular prison. They usually choose facilities within 500 miles of where the inmate lives so that their families can visit them. There are, however, other factors that are taken into consideration such as whether a prison has the room to accommodate new inmates or whether an inmate is required to participate in a particular treatment program available only at certain facilities—for example, a sex offender treatment program.

I am hoping to be sentenced to one of two prisons that are both within an hour commute of my parents. Unfortunately, my probation officer said that lately almost all of his clients have been sentenced to prisons outside of our metropolitan area, and many have even been sent out of state. I haven’t shared this news with my family yet; there’s no use adding to their stress.

The best thing to do is just wait and see.

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